Monday, November 24, 2008
Come to Jesus
My birthday is in approximately 3 weeks, this has lead me to my usual, annual "Come to Jesus" moment and talk with myself. About where I am in my life, if I have achieved what I wanted to achieve a year ago, and of course, if I am any further in my life and grown up than a year ago. Well, I don't know. Since I still officially have 3 weeks to "Come to Jesus" I still have not figured that out. A year ago, I was unemployeed, Now, I have a new job and a new career. I am happy, but hmm, I am not a millionaire yet, nor am I debt free. Well, so am I better off than I was a year ago? Am I smarter? More mature? I still have no idea and I can guarentee, that in 3 weeks, I still will not know. I don't think I am. I do think I have changed and grown more though. So yea, I guess I am smarter and more mature. I have lived through experiences that a year ago, I thought would kill me, like loosing my job and going through 3 months of unemployment. I have learned to manage in several aspects of my life, including my money, my social life, my health and in my job.
At a time in the U.S. Economy when everyone is scared, I am living through it, as we all are, yet I remain optimistic as we can all say, that someday everything will be better and we will have all lived through this and tell our children that I survived that economic crisis. That alone makes me fell more mature and worthy of my impending birthday.
I am discovering who I am and why I am passionate about what I am passionate about. I have lost the fear to share it with the world (this blog) and I am continuing to work on my art and feed my urge to be creative and the artist that I want to be.
Last year around this time, I was scared. I was 25 and thinking, "Shit, I will be 26 and what have I done with my life?" And now I'm am about to turn 27 and thinking, Who cares! it may take me until I am 70 to figure out why I am on this planet but at least I am having fun figuring it out. And really, that is all we can ask out of life. We may never know why we are here until the end but for the time we are on this planet, we may as well enjoy it and live. No matter how old we are, what our friends or peers are doing or what society says we should be doing. Age is irrelevent, its a number and yes, every year we grow, but every year is just another year to enjoy what you have and what you are given.
At a time in the U.S. Economy when everyone is scared, I am living through it, as we all are, yet I remain optimistic as we can all say, that someday everything will be better and we will have all lived through this and tell our children that I survived that economic crisis. That alone makes me fell more mature and worthy of my impending birthday.
I am discovering who I am and why I am passionate about what I am passionate about. I have lost the fear to share it with the world (this blog) and I am continuing to work on my art and feed my urge to be creative and the artist that I want to be.
Last year around this time, I was scared. I was 25 and thinking, "Shit, I will be 26 and what have I done with my life?" And now I'm am about to turn 27 and thinking, Who cares! it may take me until I am 70 to figure out why I am on this planet but at least I am having fun figuring it out. And really, that is all we can ask out of life. We may never know why we are here until the end but for the time we are on this planet, we may as well enjoy it and live. No matter how old we are, what our friends or peers are doing or what society says we should be doing. Age is irrelevent, its a number and yes, every year we grow, but every year is just another year to enjoy what you have and what you are given.
My New Endevor
One thing I can say about about growing older and growing up is you learn from your mistakes and experiences. Sometimes you learn to never do that again and sometimes you learn that maybe if you go about it differently you will finally achieve what you were looking for. I am currently going through such a place. Approaching my late twenties, I am currently going through just that. I have very reciently embarked on an endevor which in the past has not worked out for me the way I wanted it to. Now, after much thought and a little encouragement I have decided to embark on it again. This time hopefully with more thought, planning and maturity. I have no gradiouse plans or hopes for this endevor like I did in the past, yet unlike before, I have grown up and no longer accept a half-assed job. I will simply go for it, but do it 110%. The Lord only knows how this will turn out and I am seeing this as an act of divinity or destiny (depending on which one you believe in) on why I am doing this. Who knows, maybe He or the Universe still need to get a good laugh out of me, or feel that I haven't learned my lessons from the past. Or maybe, just maybe. This could be IT, this maybe the gateway to what I have been asking for and wanting for quite sometime. I guess you just have to stay tuned to see how it all works out.
Saturday, November 1, 2008
My Justification
November 1, 2008
As broke as I am right now, I am thinking about my income and out-go. What I spend, versus what I make, but I feel like I’m at a bare minimum. So why do I have to justify the small extra expenses that I do have, like my gym or Netflix memberships. Hey, I go to the gym to stay and shape and be healthy, and my Netflix, well that’s fun. My extra expenses are only thirty bucks a month. Its not like I’m buying $4 lattes every morning. Than why do I feel like I have to justify anything, to myself or anyone else. Why do I have to justify my house? My cable, Internet, cell phone or anything I have ever purchased, including groceries. It’s not fair, its really not. I work really hard for my money and everything I have. I deserve to have a nice place to live and food in my belly as well as small essentials of today, like Internet and cable. I am living within my means, I’m just broke right now, no, not broke, financially slow. But it will pick up. I will get money, I will begin making more money. I will, I will, I will and with training within myself, I will no longer feel like I have to justify my spending to anyone, including myself. Because honestly, if I spend and live within my means, which I do, there is no reason to justify anything to anyone.
As broke as I am right now, I am thinking about my income and out-go. What I spend, versus what I make, but I feel like I’m at a bare minimum. So why do I have to justify the small extra expenses that I do have, like my gym or Netflix memberships. Hey, I go to the gym to stay and shape and be healthy, and my Netflix, well that’s fun. My extra expenses are only thirty bucks a month. Its not like I’m buying $4 lattes every morning. Than why do I feel like I have to justify anything, to myself or anyone else. Why do I have to justify my house? My cable, Internet, cell phone or anything I have ever purchased, including groceries. It’s not fair, its really not. I work really hard for my money and everything I have. I deserve to have a nice place to live and food in my belly as well as small essentials of today, like Internet and cable. I am living within my means, I’m just broke right now, no, not broke, financially slow. But it will pick up. I will get money, I will begin making more money. I will, I will, I will and with training within myself, I will no longer feel like I have to justify my spending to anyone, including myself. Because honestly, if I spend and live within my means, which I do, there is no reason to justify anything to anyone.
Bored and Broke
November 1, 2008
I am bored today. Not really bored, just really unmotivated. There is a ton of stuff to do, but I don’t want to do any of it. For one thing, it seems as if I do the same thing every weekend. Clean. I clean the same thing every weekend, and several times during the week. I clean the kitchen, vacuum, mop, laundry, clean the bathroom and take out several tons of trash that I still can’t figure out how I can accumulate so much trash?!
I’m also a bit depressed, I am BROKE BROKE BROKE right now. I mean BROKE, I don’t know how I do it sometimes. There are times when I am doing fine on money, but other times, I just don’t know. Now is one of those times, and nothing has really changed, I don’t really have any extra bills, I have not been spending any different. It does seem like my economic status is seriously down in the dumps right now. I need money, lots of money. Well, not lots of money, but enough money to get through.
The biggest thing I hate about being broke is the stigma that comes along with it. My mom looks at me with pitty and like I have not been making smart decisions, i.e. playing with my credit card. Well, playing with my credit card did kind of started this spiral, but I have all but stopped now. Well, not completely stopped, with being broke, my credit card is the only way I am buying essentials, like gas. But this stigma I feel with being broke is something I see as society giving to a lot of people. I am a responsible person, I pay my bills on time, even if it means I can’t pay for anything else, like a cocktail or a burger off the dollar menu. One thing I have learned though, is that my economic status, like the countries economic status is cyclical. Now I’m not an expert, so I am not even going to begin to comment on the current state of the country’s economy. But I know that as little money as I have now, I will HAVE that much money in the near future. I just have to stick it out and not go out and play and spend money. I also know from personal experience that the Lord provides. I remember there was a time in my life when I was unemployed, working temp positions and a part time retail job and I remember crying at the drive-thru teller of the bank, because I was blessed. I had just enough money to pay for what I needed to pay for at that time. I got out of that, and I can get out of this.
I am also learning from my current economic status. I am partly in this position because I did play a little to hard with my credit card, and now it is coming back to haunt me and it hurts. I consider my credit card payment as a payment that I do not have to pay. I.e. it’s not like it’s a utility bill that I have to have that I must pay. A credit card bill is a bill that I never had to have. I didn’t have to go shopping, I didn’t have to go to dinner with my friends a million times. Therefore, I don’t have to have this bill. So, when I get this card paid off, I will be a lot more careful how I use it, and not rack it up so high. If I use my credit card, I will make sure I will be able to pay off the balance at the end of the month. Like a smart and responsible person like me should do. Also, once I get my credit card paid off, I will no longer have that bill, hen I can simply concentrate on my student loans, another bill that is killing me.
So, its 7pm on my No Motivation, Bored day, tonight, I plan on going low budget, making a cocktail from my own liquer cabinet and watching a movie and knitting. Hopefully, I will have more motivation tomorrow to do laundry and finish the cleaning I didn’t quite get done today.
I am bored today. Not really bored, just really unmotivated. There is a ton of stuff to do, but I don’t want to do any of it. For one thing, it seems as if I do the same thing every weekend. Clean. I clean the same thing every weekend, and several times during the week. I clean the kitchen, vacuum, mop, laundry, clean the bathroom and take out several tons of trash that I still can’t figure out how I can accumulate so much trash?!
I’m also a bit depressed, I am BROKE BROKE BROKE right now. I mean BROKE, I don’t know how I do it sometimes. There are times when I am doing fine on money, but other times, I just don’t know. Now is one of those times, and nothing has really changed, I don’t really have any extra bills, I have not been spending any different. It does seem like my economic status is seriously down in the dumps right now. I need money, lots of money. Well, not lots of money, but enough money to get through.
The biggest thing I hate about being broke is the stigma that comes along with it. My mom looks at me with pitty and like I have not been making smart decisions, i.e. playing with my credit card. Well, playing with my credit card did kind of started this spiral, but I have all but stopped now. Well, not completely stopped, with being broke, my credit card is the only way I am buying essentials, like gas. But this stigma I feel with being broke is something I see as society giving to a lot of people. I am a responsible person, I pay my bills on time, even if it means I can’t pay for anything else, like a cocktail or a burger off the dollar menu. One thing I have learned though, is that my economic status, like the countries economic status is cyclical. Now I’m not an expert, so I am not even going to begin to comment on the current state of the country’s economy. But I know that as little money as I have now, I will HAVE that much money in the near future. I just have to stick it out and not go out and play and spend money. I also know from personal experience that the Lord provides. I remember there was a time in my life when I was unemployed, working temp positions and a part time retail job and I remember crying at the drive-thru teller of the bank, because I was blessed. I had just enough money to pay for what I needed to pay for at that time. I got out of that, and I can get out of this.
I am also learning from my current economic status. I am partly in this position because I did play a little to hard with my credit card, and now it is coming back to haunt me and it hurts. I consider my credit card payment as a payment that I do not have to pay. I.e. it’s not like it’s a utility bill that I have to have that I must pay. A credit card bill is a bill that I never had to have. I didn’t have to go shopping, I didn’t have to go to dinner with my friends a million times. Therefore, I don’t have to have this bill. So, when I get this card paid off, I will be a lot more careful how I use it, and not rack it up so high. If I use my credit card, I will make sure I will be able to pay off the balance at the end of the month. Like a smart and responsible person like me should do. Also, once I get my credit card paid off, I will no longer have that bill, hen I can simply concentrate on my student loans, another bill that is killing me.
So, its 7pm on my No Motivation, Bored day, tonight, I plan on going low budget, making a cocktail from my own liquer cabinet and watching a movie and knitting. Hopefully, I will have more motivation tomorrow to do laundry and finish the cleaning I didn’t quite get done today.
Monday, October 27, 2008
The Purpose
What exactly is the purpose of my writing? Well, besides the simple need to get all this stuff out of me, I have a very good reason and I think, altruistic purpose. To chronicle and share with the world what I am going through. I am no one special by any means, I don't even pretend to be. But I am human. I am a twenty-something living in today's world. And the purpose of my writing is to share that. I have noticed that we read many books and see many shows and movies based on characters who are in their thirties, forties, etc. Who have achieved what they want in life. They have the career, the love, the family, the house, the car. Professionally and personally, they are where they want to be. And that is what we read and hear about. But nobody ever hears about the girl who is still in her twenties and still figuring out what to do. What she wants to be when she grows up. Or even, if she is in the career she wants to be in, she is, in this day and age most certainly not in the professional position she wants to achieve. My writings are about me, twenty-six years old and still figuring out what I want to be when I grow up. Still making my way in my career and climbing the corporate ladder. Growing a backbone and dealing with what I have to deal with in today's world. Not just in the work place and in my young life, but including the current financial situation we as a world are now facing and even getting by day-to-day.
This is the Sex and the City for the twenty-somethings, for those that have not quite found themselves yet, but never give up the fight and no matter what, are having fun doing it.
Sunday, October 26, 2008
I Am Awesome
I have noticed that I only really write when I am unhappy. When I see there is something wrong and/or I am scared. Right now, as I sit here and write this, I don’t know if I am happy or sad, scared or not. I am just me, it is Sunday night and I am semi dreading going to work tomorrow. I left work on Friday after a near explosion and my first crucifixtion as I see it. In my line of work, anything I say and do can and will be used against me at any time, and can and will be turned around to fit the other persons defense and story. That is what happened to me. I am pretty sure everything will be OK, but tomorrow and this coming week will tell for sure. While I am being brave and knowing that this is just a part of my job and a first occasion of many. I am still growing my backbone. I will be OK, I KNOW I will be OK. I just have to believe that. However, I just can’t let my work effect the rest of my life. I need to leave the office at 5 o’clock and do what I work for. Myself and my art, I am working on it. I am sitting here writing, that is a part of my art. One day I will get some art supplies and begin to draw and paint again. I will hopefully soon, publish some of my photography. This is all a release. I am more than simply my job. Don’t get me wrong, I love my job. For the most part, I work with some really great people, and that is one thing I love, I love working with people, I get a charge and a high working with and being around people. I also love the work I do, it is a lot of multi-tasking and balancing and I love that. I feel like I am actually doing something. But when work gets stressful, like it did on Friday, I need to know, I need reassurance that I am more than my job, and petty accusations are simply that. Because I AM AWESOME, I AM AWESOME, I AM AWESOME!!!
Why Do I Have to Write?
Why do I have to write? This is so typical of me, here I am saying, I’m going to write, I want to be a writer, I want to express myself some way, I need an outlet and I am going to do that through writing. But of course as soon as I say it and get it out there, then there will always be that someone who will ruin it for me. Not in a discouraging you can’t do it way. But in a way that says, “Did you write today?” “How’s your writing going?” I hate that. Is that really their business, not only that, but it really gets on my last nerve and is one of my biggest pet peeves in that it really just makes me feel like a child. I hate it, I have always hated it, even when I was a child, being made to feel like I’m a child and need constant reminding do something, its like when my mom would always hassle me about practicing my violin, I hated it. I knew I needed to practice, and I would eventually, quit bugging me about it.
But maybe I do need this outlet. The goal of my writing and my eventual book is to chronical what it is like for a twenty-something working her ass off trying to make her way in this world. The world portrays women in their twenties as neive and just waiting to get married or whatever, regardless, just floating through the world. This sucks. All I want to do is be happy, and I am happy, overall, I am a very happy person. There are times when I am not so happy, and that is when I get the writing bug, when I want to get my voice out, so the world knows what I and maybe others are going through. Am I the only one going through this? I don’t know, maybe. Maybe I am just being selfish thinking that the world cares. But maybe I’m not. Maybe there are other twenty-somethings out there who feel the same way. Who are disappointed that they are still discovering the world when they thought they should be seasoned veterans by now. That’s what I’m going through, I’m smart, I’m a hard worker, why are there things I am still learning? Why have I not blossomed into the person I am supposed to be? I know I am getting closer but I always think, why aren’t I there yet?
But, I know, I am getting closer, I am very rapidly blossoming into the woman and person I am supposed to be. I am finding myself, I am growing, I am discovering that my passions are myself, my art, my writing, my photography, just who I am and what I do, that is me. With that I am finding myself, and my voice. I am realizing that I can speak up for myself, for who I am. For my skills and abilities and my intelligence. Looking back, I am wondering if I could have done this even a year ago? I’m not sure. Sometimes I wonder if I can do this now, but I am, and I’m learning.
But maybe I do need this outlet. The goal of my writing and my eventual book is to chronical what it is like for a twenty-something working her ass off trying to make her way in this world. The world portrays women in their twenties as neive and just waiting to get married or whatever, regardless, just floating through the world. This sucks. All I want to do is be happy, and I am happy, overall, I am a very happy person. There are times when I am not so happy, and that is when I get the writing bug, when I want to get my voice out, so the world knows what I and maybe others are going through. Am I the only one going through this? I don’t know, maybe. Maybe I am just being selfish thinking that the world cares. But maybe I’m not. Maybe there are other twenty-somethings out there who feel the same way. Who are disappointed that they are still discovering the world when they thought they should be seasoned veterans by now. That’s what I’m going through, I’m smart, I’m a hard worker, why are there things I am still learning? Why have I not blossomed into the person I am supposed to be? I know I am getting closer but I always think, why aren’t I there yet?
But, I know, I am getting closer, I am very rapidly blossoming into the woman and person I am supposed to be. I am finding myself, I am growing, I am discovering that my passions are myself, my art, my writing, my photography, just who I am and what I do, that is me. With that I am finding myself, and my voice. I am realizing that I can speak up for myself, for who I am. For my skills and abilities and my intelligence. Looking back, I am wondering if I could have done this even a year ago? I’m not sure. Sometimes I wonder if I can do this now, but I am, and I’m learning.
Self-Motivation
I have a ton of self-help, self-motivating and self-improvement and get rich and gets successful books. But I really just need to take a step back from that right now and reflect on my own life in the present and what I am doing RIGHT NOW. Where I am at and how I feel about what I am doing, which, all-in-all, is pretty good. I'm old enough now and experienced in life enough now to also know, that God has a plan for everything and everyone and He does know what He is doing. Everything in life has a purpose and everything will work out in the end.
Second of all, if I am going to be an artist, a writer, a photographer, a tennis player, a painter, whatever, I need to just get off my ass and do it already. I have to quit saying, "One day I have to write or draw or take pictures or paint or whatever," and actually do it. Make time to DO IT!!! That goes for me and wanting to learn how to taste wine. I should read that Wine Bible book I got and sign up for wine tasting classes. If they are too expensive now, well than I have to save up for next time. It's as simple as that. How's that for self-motivation, see, I don't need books to tell me what to do. I already know what to do. I'm doing it right now. One day, I will write a book and it will sell millions. Even, end up on the New York Times Bestseller List. And if she's still around, "Oprah's Book club."
WTF!!!
GET ME OUT!!!, I'm in a shell again, just get me the hell out of this shell and into what I am really supposed to be doing with my life. I'm f-ing sick and tired of worrying about my job every day, worrying about the MAN and what "he" thinks of me and my performance, I'm tired of impressing everybody all the time. I just want to be ME!!! Is that so wrong? I want to make it on my own, I'm tire of waiting around for somebody else to give me a break, I'm done playing cute little receptionist, I'm smarter than that and worth more than that and YOU and everyone knows it. I want to be independently wealthy, I don't want to have to rely on somebody else for my paycheck, I want to do it on my own. I want to be the boss, I want to call the shots, I want to make the rules. I'm tired of being bossed around all the time. That may be fore somebody else, but not or me. I want to have my own business. My own thing, and not have to worry about market conditions and layoff, etc. I don't want to worry about what my boss thinks of me I just want to live, I want to set my own hours, if I want to take a vacation and travel, I want to be able to do so without asking anybody. If I want to sleep in on a Tuesday, I want to be able to do that. I have other interests and want to be able to utilize them. If I want to buy things, I don't want to have to use my credit card, and put myself further in to debt. I also don't want to have to worry about whether or not I can afford it. I want to ALWAYS have the money to afford ANYTHING I want to do.
I am 26 years old and I have a college education, I have 2 collage degrees in fact and graduated at the top of my class with both. I AM NOT A SECRETARY!!!!!!!!!!!! I am much smarter than that, I am a manager, I am a marketer, I am a businesswoman, I am an artist. I am smart and savvy and I will make it for sure.
Just watch, I am coming world.
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